Tuesday, October 23, 2007
CRAP THAT GOES BUMP IN THE NIGHT
Welcome kiddies, to the latest edition of Thrift Horror Adventures. Enter if you dare the dark and mysterious aisles of the severed-hand, er... second-hand shops. You know, your Ghoul-will's and Damnation Army's and what have you. Be forewarned, this crap may scare the crap out of you!
This was actually one of the first pictures I took trying to document the thrift store ability to shock and awe. I like to think this chair was either owned by the Troll King or the King of the Mole People. Maybe at least one of the Fraggles.
World's scariest fast food selection? No, not a thrift store item, but within walking distance of an excellent Goodwill.
Not so much scary as pitiable. I'm assuming the box says something like "Sad, debased Japanese business man doll." Anyone read Japanese?
I call this horrible masterpiece Black Hole Sun or maybe Los Angeles 2017 or Riverside: The Land of Dust, Smog and Meth. Hey, I can bag on the IE because I sucked it up there for three years. Now that is scary.
Scariest possible Saturday night activity. Like a low-rent Twilight Zone. You know, the one where the tape gets stuck in the VCR, and just keeps playing and replaying. What's more frightening is that somebody out there studies the history of salmon fishing.
You thought it was dead but, no, it's there, it's PIT! Oh my God it's the DELUXE EDITION! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (cough) Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The one with the METAL BELL! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Second scariest board game. Pyramid Power V. From the people who brought you dirty hippies, yoga, bean sprouts, and mushroom emblazoned kitchenware. Now, crystal power, that s**t's real. My friend said Jimmy Chu and his friends were totally using crystals and Ouija boards in his attic and they totally summoned this dead spirit of a murderer guy and suddenly all the electric fans came on... and they weren't even plugged in! [real conversation overheard on the school bus, circa 1986].
Do old ladies scare you? How about black and white photographs? Then don't stare too long at this giant framed black and white old lady portrait or else she'll come to life and visit you. Too late! She's gonna totally be there at the foot of your bed tonight. Or maybe when you get up to use the bathroom at 3 AM she'll be behind you in the mirror. Super sorry 'bout that. My bad.
Here's a trip down memory lane. I don't really remember the Mystery of the Green Ghost but I do remember reading it. Well, actually I remember my dad reading it to me at bedtime. Right before bed. And the dark. And the skeleton in the top hat in the basement and the sasquatch that lived on our roof (don't ask). Thanks, Dad.
Scariest abnormal cloud formation that totally looked like an H-bomb just went off. I took this a couple of years ago (on a thrift store run, of course) in some extremely humid weather in the IE. What surprised me more is that I seemed to be the only person who cared about the mushroom cloud of Armageddon. I guess radiation just isn't where it's at anymore.
Scariest threat-of-eternal-damnation-for-shoplifting-from-a-thrift-store sign. Why don't they just used video camera like everyone else. Doesn't the Almighty have better things to do? Might have been more effective if it read "GOD is listening... and so is SATAN!"
So instead of the deity of your choice ("ZEUS is watching!") privately eying your every move, how about some scary corporate big-brother outfit? And doesn't such an operation deserve a limited edition paperweight? I'd say it does. I love how Kyle (the seated guy in the maroon and blue polo shirt, of course) is pointing at some dark figure doing a dark deed on the video monitor. And Trish (cuz that's her name), is like "Code Red, someone just stuffed a Bonanza mug down the front of their pants!"
What the hell kind of party is this? is this like an Eyes Wide Shut thing? Eerier still, is that it was all like Liberace-esque versions of Glenn Miller music. Our grandparents were some seriously messed-up people.
AHHH!!! Scary stick doll!! RUN!!! Well at least you can shuffle away in a quick-like manner.
Scariest Stepford Wife hiding in the flowers on the cover of a organ player's record sleeve. Guaranteed.
Scariest juxtaposition ever? If I had a restaurant, I'd buy both of these pictures, fake their signatures, and put 'em up on the wall, by the fish tank, and the giant Buddha.
Scary 70s graphics. If I remember correctly (not always a sure bet) I think this was from 70's a back issue of Westways about the dangers of pot. Now, which one of these guys is smoking the pot I just can't remember. I gotta stop smoking the pot.
And what's more creepy than a large clown with a teddy bear, lollipop, and that look that says "You're next." Nothing.
I didn't take this in a thrift store, but at my couch, some weeks ago. Am I the only one that sees a death face in the folds of the curtain? No Photoshopping, scouts honor. Sometimes i think I'd like to live in a haunted house, but now when I've got to go to the bathroom an 3 Am. I've got to stopping watching the Ghost Hunters.
Happy Halloween, y'all.